


Jaded

by devil_tattoo



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pining, Slow Burn, Smut, So much angst, Sort Of, Whump, probably, the smut is so sweet it’ll rot your teeth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:35:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24484426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devil_tattoo/pseuds/devil_tattoo
Summary: Nikki's past left him jaded but he still fell hard for boys with bright eyes and easy smiles... Or rather, one boy specifically.PLEASE READ THE TRIGGER WARNING
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Comments: 37
Kudos: 42





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> -Rape (mildly graphic description in the first chapter) and associated mental trauma
> 
> As promised, here is the first part of my multi chapter fic. The journey we are about to take together is not necessarily going to be an easy one, and if you're reading this author's note, here's why. This story is my story told through the eyes of Nikki. I couldn't write my own beginning as it was written, brutally, for me. Nikki's background in the first chapter is my history with only a couple of alterations to make it also somewhat related to Nikki's story, and the way I write his trauma is the way I am still, to this day experiencing my own. I'm disclosing this not for sympathy, but so that it's clear that my writing is not just a voyeuristic account of trauma, it's genuine, and so anyone else who has experienced it may feel less alone. So here I sit, an exercise in healing, writing the healing and love for Nikki that I hope to have for myself one day.

In reality, it happened when he was 20. But as far as Nikki was concerned, it really happened two years later. You see, in situations of intense mental trauma, sometimes the brain takes over and represses things because the trauma is too much to handle at that point. That’s what happened for Nikki, after he was raped.

The morning after, he’d woken up in his bed feeling hungover, and it took a couple of minutes before the events of the night came crashing back to him. Tears sprung into his eyes and he began to panic. He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood and glanced to his left, where his boyfriend, Jordan, was passed out, an arm slung over Nikki’s waist. He got out of bed, careful not to wake the other man and walked to the bathroom on shaky legs. He shut the door behind him and leaned over the sink, unable to look his reflection in the eyes. A broken sob tore from his lips, and his knees buckled, making him crumple to the floor. He buried his face in his knees and tried to muffle his cries, tears streaming relentlessly down his face.

It wouldn’t stop playing over in his head. He remembered telling Jordan he didn’t want to fuck, he was far too drunk and just wanted to sleep. He remembered Jordan trying to get him in the mood, but his head was spinning far too much, and he refused once more. Then he remembered Jordan pulling down his boxers and forcing his way inside of him. Most of all Nikki remembered the silence when Jordan sunk into him fully, and the pause that followed. Jordan waited for a minute to see what Nikki would do, but he was drunk and breaking, and he couldn’t bring himself to fight back. Death must be silent because Nikki died in that moment, and Jordan didn’t hear it... Or if he did, he didn’t stop. Nikki couldn’t remember how it ended, he wondered if he passed out, he couldn’t remember anything that happened after that.

He didn’t know how long he sat, shattered, on the bathroom floor before he felt like he could stand again, it could have been minutes or hours. When he remembered how to make his legs work again, he stood and splashed cold water on his face, steeling himself to leave the bathroom and face the world. The tears had stopped, but there was a big, empty hole in his chest that was growing by the second. He reluctantly went back into his room, grabbed the first pair of pants and t-shirt he could find and dressed quietly. Nikki stared down at Jordan, still fast asleep, grief twisting in his belly as he tried to reconcile that the man that he loved and the one that raped him were the same man. He felt tears well up in his eyes again, and the distinct urge to run away and never return. He slipped out the front door of their apartment, where the sun was just beginning to rise. He walked for hours with no destination in mind, his grief so intense that he didn’t notice the time pass. 

Years before Nikki met Jordan, he had been living with another man, Mark. His relationship with Mark was one that he jumped into without thinking, reeling from running away from his unstable mother and looking for anything to kill that pain. Nikki, young and inexperienced, didn’t recognize the red flags, and very quickly found himself deep in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. Mark isolated him from the few friends he had, constantly belittled him and accused him of cheating, and tried to convince him that he was mentally ill, among other awful things. He barely clawed his way out of that relationship, but when it was over, he’d never felt so free in his entire life.

Nikki vowed that Mark would be his last relationship for a long while, but fate had other ideas, and two months later he met Jordan and fell in love for the first time. Things with Jordan were perfect. He felt seen and loved, and Jordan was incredibly understanding when Nikki wanted to take things slowly. They were deeply, foolishly in love. Things were near perfect until that awful night, so it was no surprise that Nikki was struggling to process what had happened to him. 

That’s how the repression started. Nikki spiralled into thoughts of how much he loved Jordan, how he wasn’t ready to lose him. The rape and thinking about losing Jordan was too much mental pain for Nikki to handle at once. Thus began the process of telling himself it hadn’t happened, that he was drunk and misremembering it, and it wasn’t long before he really believed it.

In a moment of what he would later describe as dissociating, he suddenly felt fine, comforted by his new reality where it hadn’t happened. When he eventually went home, they didn’t discuss what had happened; Jordan didn’t seem to remember.

Two months later, Nikki returned home one day to see Jordan’s belongings packed and Jordan standing in the middle of the boxes, offering him nothing more than a “we need to talk.”

With that, the relationship was over and Nikki was emotionally decimated. He swore off relationships and swore off feelings. The big void in his chest from the morning after his rape had spread over his entire body, and he became an unfeeling, robotic shell of a person. He began to party hard, spending his weekends on the sunset strip, blacked out and getting fucked in the club bathrooms whenever he found an attractive suitor. The partying and constant casual sex was fun, but Nikki knew something was wrong deep inside him. For every hookup he had, he found some way to make it punishing for himself. He asked the men to pull his hair much too roughly, to bruise him, to draw blood with their teeth. On a particularly bad night, his suitor hadn’t been rough enough with him, so instead of going home, Nikki forced himself to sleep on a park bench. It was winter, and he shivered violently for hours, thinking about how he deserved every bit of discomfort. He knew these habits were not normal, and he didn’t know why he did it. He had so thoroughly repressed what Jordan had done to him that at that point, he couldn’t even remember it.

This cycle lasted for almost two years, until one particularly awful night. He was being pursued by a particularly attractive man at the club, and while usually Nikki would hook up with people in the bathrooms, this man insisted that Nikki come back to his place. Nikki agreed, drunk and not thinking about it, but when he found himself naked on the man’s bed, he felt an anxious gnawing at his gut. He had the distinct feeling that he didn’t have a choice but to sleep with the man, that he couldn’t back out if he wanted to. The phrase, “you’ve felt this before,” ran over and over through his head, but he pushed the thoughts away and had sex with the handsome stranger. 

Nikki went home after, feeling numb. He got in the shower as soon as he got back to his apartment, and turned the water scalding hot. He scrubbed at his skin until it was red and raw, although he didn’t know why he was doing it. He fell into a disturbed, and anxious sleep, waking every few hours with his heart pounding in panic. By the time the sun rose the next morning he knew what had happened to him. He remembered that awful night with Jordan, and felt the reverberation of that horrible, deathly silence.

Nikki trembled for twelve days after that. His hands shook, his voice shook, and his legs were weak. On the thirteenth day, Nikki was angry. A feral, murderous rage took over his entire body, and with no outlet, he grew spiteful and mad at the world, hating Mark, hating Jordan, and hating everything that relationships and love stood for.

/////

“The new guy is coming in a few minutes, I need you to train him. Try not to scare this one off,” Nikki’s boss, Greg, told him sternly.

“Look, it’s not my fault the last guy you hired was a pussy,” Nikki snapped, his short fuse already lit.

“Whatever, just know you’re on thin fucking ice here, and if the new guy says you’ve been a prick, it’ll be your ass I’m sending packing.”

Nikki dug his fingernails into his palm as he watched Greg walk out the door, in an effort to avoid taking a swing at him. When the door shut, he slammed his fist into the wall behind the counter, which did more damage to his hand than to the drywall. He swore loudly at the throbbing in his knuckles, but it did help steady him a little because it was something distracting to focus on. He couldn’t lose this job, he’d already been fired from four places in the last six months. He had barely made rent the last two months, he’d used up the last of his savings to keep his apartment. As much as he hated working at the liquor store, it was the only thing that stood between him and living on the streets. 

Nikki pulled a bottle of Jack down from the display behind him, glanced around the empty store, and took a long sip. As he pulled the bottle away from his lips, the door clanged open and he heard an impressed, “Woah.”

Nikki screwed the cap back on the bottle and turned to face the guy. He was surprised to see a tall, lanky looking kid, who couldn’t have been more than 18, grinning widely at him.

Nikki did not smile back. “You’re the new guy? Are you even old enough to be in here?”

“It’s Tommy,” the kid was still smiling, “And no I’m not, but don’t tell Greg.”

“I’m Nikki. Are you gonna narc on me for the Jack?” Nikki grumbled.

“Dude, no way... As long as you give me a sip.”

Cheeky, Nikki thought to himself, maybe this kid would be okay to work with. He handed the bottle to Tommy, who took a huge gulp and then started to cough and splutter.

Nikki raised his eyebrows, “Never had whiskey before?” 

“Only beer,” Tommy rasped when he finally got some air. 

“You’ve got a lot of catching up to do then, I don’t know how you’re gonna sell it if you’ve never tried it.” 

“I guess you’ll have to show me how to get away with sampling the products then.”

Nikki gestured for Tommy to join him behind the counter. “Come here.”

Tommy came to stand next to him, and Nikki showed him how the cash register worked and gave him a crash course on selling booze and stealing it without leaving evidence. Luckily, the younger man didn’t have many questions and seemed to pick everything up quickly, Nikki had chased the last new guy away for asking stupid questions. Tommy seemed pretty cool, Nikki reluctantly admitted to himself, although he had boundless, golden retriever energy. At that moment, Tommy was drumming relentlessly on the counter along with a Van Halen song playing on the stereo. 

Nikki watched him for a moment, noticing vaguely that he was pretty good looking in an innocent, boyish way. 

“Do you like music?” Tommy interrupted Nikki’s thoughts, “You look like a rocker.”

Nikki shrugged, “I’ve been in a couple of bands but none of them worked out.” In truth, Nikki had a lot of trouble getting along with his past bandmates, his constant anger always caused fights that got him kicked out.

“I’m sure you’ll find something soon.”

Nikki blinked at the positivity. “Um... Yeah maybe.”

“I’m in a band,” Tommy announced proudly, “We’re called Suite 19.”

Normally, Nikki would have said something snarky about the band name or just tell Tommy to shut up, but something about the younger man’s enthusiasm made Nikki bite his tongue.

“I take it you’re a drummer then?” Nikki nodded to where Tommy’s fingers were still tapping away on the counter. 

“Yeah! I used to be in a marching band, which every one shits on me for,” Tommy chattered, “But I learned some really cool moves from it.”

The door opened and in came a couple of customers, effectively ending their conversation. Nikki started towards them to see if they needed anything, but Tommy waved him away. “Dude just hang out, I’ll do it.”

Nikki was surprised but didn’t have time to say anything before Tommy was bounding towards the customers. He watched as Tommy made excited, friendly conversation with them, and smoothly helped them pick out a couple bottles of wine. Nikki couldn’t hear what Tommy was saying, but he kept making the customers laugh. Nikki leaned against the counter and watched Tommy ring them up, still making pleasant conversation and the occasional joke. Nikki was struck by the openness that Tommy had with complete strangers. He was friendly and stood with open body language, he wasn’t scowling, and his arms weren’t crossed defensively. Most of all, Nikki was floored with Tommy’s easy smile. It looked like no effort at all for him to smile, and like just about anything could cause it.

After the customers left, Tommy turned back to Nikki. “Was that okay?”

Nikki looked at him. He seemed incredibly eager to please and looked expectant, like Nikki’s praise would mean something to him. 

Nikki nodded, “Yeah, it was great actually.”

And there it was. Tommy’s face split into that easy smile, and he looked genuinely proud of himself, it was almost adorable.

Nikki was so fucked.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh it burns so slow. Hope you like it :)

Work was suddenly a lot more bearable for Nikki. Tommy was a really good guy, he’d grown on Nikki quickly in the month they’d worked together, despite the older man’s best efforts to keep him at arm’s length. Nikki also was trying really hard to ignore how attractive he found Tommy, knowing nothing good could come of such feelings.

“Nikki?” Tommy looked up from where he was making a tower of premixed shots.

“Huh?” Nikki had not been listening, completely distracted ringing up a false transaction so they could steal a bottle of tequila.

“I asked if you think we’re friends,” Tommy was not ashamed to ask the slightly vulnerable question.

One look at Tommy’s hopeful face had Nikki nodding and saying, “Of course” like a complete fool. He rationalized it easily, figuring that if he were friends with Tommy, it might deter him from developing feelings.

Tommy grinned, “Cool.”

“Why do you ask?”

Tommy shrugged, “Just wondering, you’re really hard to read, I feel like I don’t know anything about you.”

Nikki felt a pang of guilt, like he’d let the younger man down in some way. Of course Tommy didn’t know anything about him, he’d been guarded for so long it had become second nature. He finished ringing up the fake transaction and passed the tequila bottle to Tommy. It was Wednesday night and Nikki knew they wouldn’t have any more customers come in before close.

“Tell you what,” Nikki chose his words carefully, “You can ask me anything, but if I don’t want to answer, we both have to take a shot.” He was careful to give himself an out, in case Tommy asked him something too personal.

Tommy looked up at Nikki, excitement clear across his face, “Hell yeah!” He abandoned his tower of single shots to sit on the back counter and take a swig of tequila. He cringed a bit after, but was getting better at drinking hard alcohol. It occurred to Nikki that he was probably a terrible influence on poor, sweet Tommy.

“Alright let’s go! How old were you when you lost your virginity?” Tommy smiled mischievously.

“Sixteen,” Nikki was unfazed by that particular personal question.

Tommy hummed in thought, “Why didn’t any of your bands work out?”

“Creative differences... and by that I mean fighting.”

Tommy chuckled, “I’m not surprised.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nikki was immediately on the defensive.

“Nothing bad! You’re just hot-headed is all!”

Nikki grumbled, “Sounds like a bad thing.” He swiped the bottle of tequila from Tommy and took a shot.

“It’s not, I swear,” Tommy sounded desperate for Nikki to forgive him, “I actually think you’re a really nice guy.”

Nikki raised his eyebrows, “Okay, you have to take two shots for being wrong, I’ve never been nice in my life.”

Tommy laughed and took the bottle back, “Oh fuck off, I don’t believe that for a second.”

Nikki was surprised at Tommy’s reaction. He had grown used to people shying away from him, especially when he expressed a little bit of anger. He looked at Tommy, happily taking his two sips of tequila, and felt a swell of affection for the boy that he immediately tried to suppress.

“Okay next question,” Tommy said cheerily, “When were you last in a relationship?”

Nikki froze, suddenly nervous. He figured that it would be more suspicious if he didn’t answer so he tried to sound normal, “Two years ago.”

Tommy nodded, “Why did it end?”

That was too far, too close to telling the truth about what had happened to him.

“Pass,” Nikki mumbled, and grabbed the tequila, taking a large gulp.

Tommy gave him a dramatic pout that Nikki had trouble ignoring, but there was no way he was saying any more about his relationship with Jordan.

Tommy took a shot as well, and when he pulled the bottle away from his face, Nikki noticed that his eyes were a little unfocused.

“Are you drunk?” Nikki asked, incredulous.

“I’d say it’s a healthy buzz,” Tommy swayed in place and smiled lazily.

“Holy shit, you’re a lightweight,” Nikki was genuinely surprised, “I guess it makes sense, you’re probably only 90 pounds soaking wet.”

“Hey,” Tommy laughed, “I’m a beefcake.”

“Don’t be offended, I think you look great.”

“Are you hitting on me?” Tommy teased.

“If you have to ask, the answer is no,” Nikki felt his face grow hot, he was a little embarrassed that Tommy had called him out like that.

Desperate for an excuse not to look at Tommy, Nikki checked the clock and noticed that it was time to close the store. He locked the door and began the cash out, telling Tommy not to help since he was a little drunk. Unbeknownst to him, Tommy continued to drink tequila while Nikki worked. When Nikki turned to tell the younger boy he could go home, his jaw dropped when he saw the bottle was suddenly only a quarter full.

“Holy fuck,” he mumbled, watching Tommy sway from his perch on the counter.

“S’ time to go?” Tommy slurred, sliding off the counter and immediately losing his balance.

Nikki grabbed him around the waist before he could hit the floor, “I’m gonna walk you home okay? You’re fucked up.”

Tommy nodded, leaning on Nikki and hiccuping, “Thanks Nik.”

Nikki hauled Tommy out the door and locked it behind them. “Where do you live, kid?”

Tommy snickered at the term of endearment and told Nikki the street name.

Nikki led Tommy down the street, arm still around his waist to support him. Tommy was muttering some nonsense about the beauty of the moon, and Nikki was incredibly busy trying not to think about how Tommy smelled like pine, cigarettes, and tequila, and how nice it felt to have him pressed against Nikki’s side. A huge obstacle that Nikki had struggled with since he began processing his trauma was touch. Sometimes even a handshake or a simple brush against his shoulder was too much, and it either sent him into a panic attack or a blind rage. He couldn’t believe how incredibly fine he was with Tommy pressed up against him.

“Nik,” Tommy muttered, “Do you think the moon gets lonely?”

Fuck, Nikki thought to himself, that had to be the sweetest thing he’d ever heard from a drunk person. Tommy sounded so concerned about the emotional wellbeing of the moon, Nikki wanted nothing more than to make him feel better.

“No Tom, I think the stars keep the moon company.”

“Oh thank god,” Tommy sounded genuinely relieved, “You’re so smart, Nikki.”

“You’re just drunk,” Nikki turned them onto the street where Tommy said he lived, “Which place is yours?”

Tommy pointed at a shabby looking house, and mumbled something about living there with some guy named Vince. Nikki dragged him carefully up the front steps and propped him up while he unlocked the door. Nikki was definitely not excited to let Tommy go, it was really the first time he’d been comfortable with this much platonic touching and he wasn’t ready for it to end. Luckily, Tommy almost fell walking through the door and Nikki had to catch him once more.

“Nik can you help me to bed?” Tommy sounded tired and pathetic, and Nikki absolutely had to help him.

“Sure Tommy,” Nikki helped him down the hall into the room Tommy said was his. On the floor was a mattress with a single blanket and pillow, which Nikki slumped his coworker into carefully. He straightened up as Tommy groaned in happiness, ready to turn and leave when Tommy called out for him.

“Wait! You gotta tuck me in dude.”

Nikki started to laugh, a real genuine, belly laugh at how cute and ridiculous the younger man was. Powerless to resist such charms, Nikki pulled the blanket over Tommy and tucked it around him, a smile still playing at his lips. Tommy watched through hazy eyes, giggling as Nikki tucked him in. Before he could turn to leave, Tommy grabbed his hand.

“Nikki... That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile,” Tommy breathed, “You have a beautiful smile.”

Adoration washed over Nikki, and he squeezed Tommy’s hand gently as a thank you. Tommy drifted off almost immediately after complimenting Nikki, and looked so youthful and sweet, Nikki was almost certainly infatuated with him. And he couldn’t wipe the stupid, lovesick smile off his face as he let himself out of the house.

Fear set in on Nikki’s walk home. Yes, he was enamoured with Tommy, which should have technically been a good thing, but all of a sudden he couldn’t feel anything other than terrified. There was no way he was going to put himself out there again and risk the pain and heartbreak. He really, honestly didn’t know if he could survive another breakup, or another betrayal. When he began to process what Jordan had done to him, he hadn’t necessarily considered suicide, but he kept having invasive thoughts about his own death, which terrified him. No, he really couldn’t try to pursue Tommy, it was too risky. Besides, Nikki really liked him, and he figured the only way to keep things good with Tommy was to stay friends.

When Nikki got home, he curled up with his notebook. He’d been filling it with lyrics, it was the closest thing he had to an outlet, most of the words in the book were hate filled, about fights, death, and the devil. As he chewed on the end of his pen in thought, the anger that usually inspired him felt oddly muted. The only words that came to mind were based on the smell of tequila, pine, and cigarettes, and bright eyes above an easy smile.

/////

Another blissful month of working with Tommy did nothing to stop Nikki from developing deep and serious feelings for him. The two were becoming close friends, and Nikki was determined that it would go no further than that. So what if seeing Tommy was the best part of his day, and getting out of bed every morning stopped feeling so difficult, that was no reason to risk their friendship. Besides, he was afraid that if anything happened between them, he was so damaged that he couldn’t possibly make Tommy happy and that beautiful bright light in his eyes would fade.

Nikki watched as Tommy was helping a customer pick out wine, admiring the way Tommy’s smile overtook his entire face. To distract himself, he took what he thought was a sneaky sip of the bourbon they’d been drinking, but unfortunately at that exact moment the door swung open and in walked Greg.

“Are you fucking serious?” The manager roared at Nikki, immediately red in the face.

Nikki’s heart dropped, this was it, Greg would definitely fire him. Rage curled in his belly as Greg tore a strip off of him for stealing and drinking on the job, Greg wasn’t even supposed to be at the store, it was his day off. Nikki glanced over at Tommy, who was watching it unfold with his jaw hung open, and Nikki felt his anger immediately subside into sadness.

“Get the fuck out you lowlife,” Greg yelled, “And don’t expect to get your last paycheck.”

“Go fuck yourself Greg,” Was all Nikki could bring himself to say before he was out the door and walking slowly down the street. He could feel a lump in his throat as he thought about what this would mean for his friendship with Tommy. Sure, they had become good friends, but Nikki didn’t think Tommy would care to maintain a friendship with him if they weren’t forced to hang out because of work. Before he had time to dwell on that horrible thought, he heard the crash of a door flying open and a gleeful yell of, “Fuck you, Greg!”

Nikki whipped around to see Tommy sprinting towards him, a huge, shit-eating grin across his face and four bottles of Jack tucked under his arms.

“Run Nikki!” Tommy half shouted, half laughed as he caught up with the older man.

Nikki’s face split into a wide grin and he took off running next to Tommy, “What the fuck are you doing?” Nikki laughed.

“Down here,” Tommy grabbed Nikki’s arm, nearly dropping the bottles, and tugged him down a side alley where they stopped to catch their breath.

Tommy smiled widely and passed Nikki one of the bottles, “Drink up.”

Nikki didn’t need to be told twice. When he’d had a few sips he looked at Tommy, who still had a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. “Why did you do that?”

Tommy shrugged, “I don’t want to work there without you.”

Nikki’s heart swelled with joy, “Seriously?”

“Yeah dude! We can find another job together,” Tommy said excitedly, “Somewhere cooler like a bar or record store.”

Nikki gave him a small, hopeful smile, Tommy’s sweet enthusiasm was rubbing off on him. “I can’t believe you did that just so we could keep hanging out at work.”

Tommy rubbed the back of his neck, looking a little bashful, “Well, I didn’t know if you’d still want to hang out with me if we weren’t working together... I didn’t want to lose you.”

Nikki looked at the lanky boy in front of him in awe. This foolish, dumb kid that had wormed his way into a heart that Nikki didn’t realize he still had, was standing in front of him, admitting that he was afraid to lose Nikki. All the cold, dead recesses where Nikki used to feel things warmed a couple of degrees, and before he could stop himself, he was reaching out to pull Tommy into a hug.

Likely due to shock, it took Tommy a second to react. He wrapped his arms tightly around Nikki, almost like he knew the moment would be fleeting, so he was taking full advantage of it.

“You won’t lose me,” Nikki murmured into Tommy’s shoulder.

“Good,” Tommy breathed, “Because I-”

Nikki would never know what Tommy was about to say because at that moment, a man walked past them and hissed, “Fags.”

Nikki stiffened, and quickly detached himself from Tommy. “What the fuck did you just say?” He yelled, temper already lost.

“I said you’re a couple of fags,” The guy turned to face Nikki, scowling.

Nikki didn’t bother saying anything else, just launched himself at the stranger. He tackled the man to the cement, and started wailing on him immediately. The man didn’t have time to react because with Nikki’s third punch to his face, he fell unconscious. Nikki didn’t stop, blood splattered dark red across the cement as he kept slammed his fist into the man’s face. White hot fury thundered through his veins, and he couldn’t hear Tommy yelling at him to stop. When he felt a hand placed gently on his shoulders, he whipped around, ready to protect himself from a new threat.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” he snarled before realizing that it was Tommy’s hand on his shoulder.

Tommy took his hand off Nikki’s shoulder, but for some reason, didn’t look afraid. “Nikki, we gotta get the fuck out of here.”

Nikki looked at the man beneath him, taking in the bloody mess that was his face. He nodded, getting up and letting Tommy thrust two of the stolen Jack bottles into his arms.

Tommy picked up the other two and gestured for Nikki to follow him. “Come with me.”

Nikki was completely dazed as he followed Tommy, the pain in his knuckles was muted and he found himself wondering if this was the first time he’d ever seen Tommy look serious. It was almost so out of character it was almost comical.

They walked silently to Tommy’s place, and when they went inside Nikki lingered by the front door, unsure what to do and still quite out of it. Tommy took the bottles from his arms and set them on the kitchen counter. Nikki felt Tommy take one of his hands and then pause as if asking permission. Nikki gave him a slight nod and let Tommy lead him into the washroom.

“Clean the blood off, Nik,” Tommy instructed quietly.

Nikki looked down at his hands, surprised to see that they were stained dark red. He did what Tommy said and was bewildered to see that none of the blood was his, when his hands were cleaned he could see that the only damage he’d sustained was swelling and bruising across his knuckles.

He dried his hands, feeling a little more focused, and turned to face Tommy, suddenly ashamed. “I’m so fucking sorry you had to see that.”

Tommy shook his head, “It’s okay, if you hadn’t done it I probably would’ve. Mind you, I would’ve stopped when he passed out.”

Tommy led Nikki to a cushy brown couch in the living room and grabbed him a bag of ice from the kitchen. Tommy sat down next to him, placing the ice gently over his hands.

“Nikki,” Tommy murmured softly, “Why do you get so angry?”

“What do you mean?” Nikki was nervous as soon as Tommy spoke.

“I mean not only today, but I’ve seen you get mad at work and lose control. It’s like you’re either zero or one hundred all the time,” Tommy chose his words carefully, “What happened to you?”

In that moment, Nikki felt like Tommy could see straight into his soul. He couldn’t believe that Tommy knew that this monster wasn’t truly who he was, but it was the result of circumstance. He felt profoundly understood, and yet another overwhelming pang of affection for the boy. He considered for a fleeting moment, telling Tommy everything, but as soon as the thought crossed his mind he began to tremble and decided against it.

“I... I can’t talk about it,” Nikki mumbled, unable to look Tommy in the eyes.

Tommy reached an arm out like he wanted to pull Nikki into his side, but paused before he did. “Can I?”

Nikki nodded and tucked himself under the outstretched arm, resting his head on Tommy’s shoulder.

“If you ever want to talk about it, you know I’m here for you right?” Tommy murmured.

Nikki felt tears burn at his eyes, but luckily none fell. “Thanks Tommy,” he whispered.


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the kind words on the last chapter, it really honestly makes my day and puts a big smile on my face!! Please let me know if this one goes to the top of the feed properly, I think I know what I did wrong last time, I'm still figuring out the platform

Nikki couldn’t get to sleep. It was the middle of the night and he was cramped and freezing cold, curled up between two dumpsters with his arms wrapped around his few belongings to protect them. He was absolutely miserable. Two nights previous, he’d been evicted for not paying rent. He and Tommy hadn’t been able to find a job in the last couple of weeks, so he’d seen the eviction coming and wasn’t surprised when he received the notice. On their days job hunting, Nikki hadn’t told Tommy that he was about to be kicked out of his place, but at that particular, freezing cold moment, he couldn’t remember why. At the time, he was likely thinking that Tommy would try to help him, and he didn’t want to be a burden, but Nikki was so miserable on that third night that he couldn’t care anymore. 

The last couple of nights on the street, miserable, cold, and awake, Nikki was forced to admit something to himself. He had deep, out of control feelings for Tommy. At this brand new low point of sleeping next to dumpsters, his heart ached with desire to see the one person who would make it all feel okay. Tommy’s smile alone was warm enough that Nikki knew he’d stop shivering as soon as he saw it, and he wanted nothing more than to be near him, smelling the pine and cigarettes he’d come to associate with happiness. Of course, it wasn’t just when he was miserable that he wanted the other man, any time he saw Tommy it was the highlight of his day. Tommy had this knack for making Nikki smile and laugh more than he had in years and being around the younger man made him feel so completely alive. 

Those feelings, though positive in many ways, terrified Nikki. He wasn’t sure he was capable of being in a relationship again, up to that point, he’d thought he would never have feelings for anyone again anyways. Now that he did, his first instinct was to keep it inside, it was safer that way. He never wanted to hate Tommy, or even worse, hurt him, and those were the only two outcomes of a relationship that he believed could happen. Nikki felt like the only way to ensure that him and Tommy stayed friends and stayed good was to keep quiet about his feelings.

Unable to take it a minute longer, Nikki stood on aching muscles and gathered his things, he needed Tommy. He walked to the now familiar house, despite nerves and guilt telling him to turn around. He hesitated a moment and then knocked firmly on the door. After a minute with no answer, Nikki knocked again, this time louder. The door finally opened just enough to reveal a skinny blonde man in nothing but a tiny pair of boxers.

“Who the fuck are you?” The blonde asked.

Nikki’s brow furrowed, “I’m Nikki, who the fuck are you?”

“Nikki who?” The man ignored his question.

Nikki heard some shuffling behind the door and Tommy’s voice saying, “Vince? Who the fuck is that?”

“Says his name is Nikki,” Vince called back, not opening the door further.

“Nikki?” Tommy suddenly appeared next to Vince, pushing him out of the way a bit. “He’s cool Vinnie, you can go back to bed.”

Vince grumbled something about Tommy having sketchy friends as he disappeared back into the house. 

Tommy opened the door and gestured for Nikki to come in. “Nik, not that I’m not happy to see you, but it's four in the morning. What’s going on?”

“I got evicted,” Nikki admitted, embarrassed to say it out loud, “Can I sleep on your couch?”

Tommy gaped, “You should have come right away, it’s freezing outside!”

“Yeah, I’m pretty fucking cold,” Nikki smiled sadly.

“Do you wanna come sleep in my bed with me? You’ll warm up way faster,” Tommy offered immediately.

Nikki’s eyes widened, surprised at the offer. He thought about it for a second, momentarily taken with the idea of sharing a bed with Tommy because, well, Tommy. In the end, he had to refuse. It was too much, too intimate, too risky. 

“Um.. maybe just the couch if that’s okay?”

If Nikki didn’t know better, he would’ve thought that there was a momentary flash of disappointment on Tommy’s face.

Procuring a blanket and pillow from a closet, Tommy gave them to Nikki, “Make yourself at home!”

Nikki nodded gratefully, “Thanks Tom, sorry I woke you up.”

“Dude, don’t even worry about it. Get some sleep,” Tommy gave him another classic, easy smile that warmed Nikki from head to toe before disappearing down the hallway.

/////

Nikki woke the next morning to his lanky friend shoving a cup of coffee under his nose. “Thank fuck,” He rasped, still groggy.

“We’ve got to find a job today,” Tommy sighed, running a hand through his hair, which Nikki couldn’t help but notice was adorably messy.

“I know,” Nikki groaned, “I think we might have to fall back on the one surefire gig.”

“Stripping,” Tommy nodded knowingly.

Nikki burst out laughing, “Telemarketing, you perv.”

“Come on, you know I’d be a great stripper!” Tommy jumped up and started to dance, all arms and legs.

Nikki grinned and threw a pillow at him, “You look like a baby horse that’s learning to walk.”

Tommy threw the pillow back at him in mock anger, “How dare you? I’m graceful.”

Nikki couldn’t help but smile. Despite everything that had happened, and the fact that he spent the last two nights sleeping behind dumpsters, he felt more than alright. Something about being around Tommy made him feel like everything would be okay. Maybe it was because he felt like Tommy had his back, or maybe it was because Tommy was the human version of the sun, but either way, Nikki needed him like he needed oxygen.

“Nikki, if we’re going to get a job telemarketing it’s gotta be temporary. That’s the most soul sucking job out there, I won’t be able to do it for long.” Tommy had slumped down next to him on the couch.

Nikki was struck by a sudden idea, “Let’s get a band together.”

Tommy’s eyes widened and he turned to face Nikki. “Are you serious?”

Nikki nodded and smiled widely. He’d been thinking about it for a while, it had been quite some time since he’d pursued music. He’d been nervous to try forming a band again, given how terribly the last couple went, but he sat there looking at his beautiful drummer friend practically bouncing out of his seat, and he knew it was the right decision. Besides, what had tanked his last couple of bands had been his anger issues, and he knew he could never lash out at Tommy the way he had with other people.

“Fuck yeah!” Tommy was radiating excitement, and Nikki, for the first time in a long time, felt it too. 

“Holy shit okay,” Nikki began to ramble excitedly, “I have so many ideas, I have songs written and band names, we need to start auditioning guitar players and singers right away.”

Nikki leaned down to pull a notebook out of his duffle bag, and when he straightened up, he noticed Tommy looking at with a soft, indulgent smile and the corners of his eyes crinkled. The look of fondness completely disarmed him and he gave Tommy a confused look, “What?”

“Nothing dude, I just can’t wait to get started.”

Nikki nodded and flipped open the notebook, passing it to Tommy, “Here’s some of my lyrics, this is the feel I want us to go for.”

Tommy poured over the pages for a few minutes, completely silent, and Nikki grew nervous. Some of the words on the pages were profoundly personal. Nothing in them specifically recounted his trauma, but for Nikki, it was splashed across the pages in metaphorical terms, barely hidden behind words about anger and pain. His nervousness escalated, he couldn’t believe he’d just given Tommy his notebook without thinking, it was like giving him free access to his own personal hell, like putting his damage on display. Nikki chewed on lip, waiting for Tommy’s inevitable, horrified response.

“Who’s Frankie?” Tommy murmured.

Nikki glanced down to see him reading the words of On With the Show.

“Frankie was my name,” Nikki closed his eyes momentarily, this was already way more personal than he’d bargained for.

“Frankie died just the other night?” Tommy’s voice was soft and inquisitive when he read out the first line.

Nikki nodded, and the words came out before he could stop them, “I think I’ve died a couple of times in my life.”

Luckily, Tommy didn’t try to ask for an explanation, “Nikki, these lyrics are incredible.”

Nikki let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, grateful that Tommy didn’t press him, and relieved that he liked the songs.

“Okay drummer, we’ve got some work to do.”

/////

“Nikki, come see this fuckin’ dude,” Tommy sounded like he was trying not to laugh.

Nikki hung up the phone and got up from his couch/bed and walked over. He’d been staying with Tommy and Vince for a week, and it was working really well. He and Tommy had gotten a job selling lightbulbs over the phone and were alternating between phone calls and auditions. It was the perfect set up, and Nikki felt insanely lucky that he got to spend so much time with Tommy. He found that he got along fairly well with Vince too, although the blonde was never around because he was always at his girlfriend’s place. 

Nikki pulled the door open wider to reveal a short man with black hair, clearly older than him and Tommy.

“This guy is an alien,” Tommy snickered, “Come in dude.”

The guy introduced himself as Mick, and went about getting set up. Despite the distinct aura of seriousness around him, his playing blew Nikki away. One glance at Tommy told Nikki that he was equally impressed, and Mick was in.

Tommy had been begging Vince to audition for them for days, and Vince had turned him down, saying he didn’t want to unless they had a guitarist. As soon as Nikki and Tommy agreed Mick was in, Tommy was pounding on Vince’s bedroom door. When the four of them played together for the first time, Nikki felt a strange electricity in the air, and a brand new sense of purpose in his soul. This was what he’d been looking for, his calling. 

Nikki followed Mick outside afterwards to help him load his amp into the back of a shitty, beat up, old car. Mick put his guitar in the back seat and turned to Nikki.

“Listen kid. I’m not getting any younger, and I’m not about to waste my time with this band unless you’re prepared to go the distance.”

Nikki opened his mouth to snap at Mick for assuming they weren’t serious, but Mick spoke again before he could get a word out.

“How long have you had feelings for the drummer?”

Nikki nearly dropped the amp. “I- What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Cut the bullshit, it’s obvious.”

Nikki put the amp in the trunk, closed it and leaned against the car. He dropped his face into his hands and groaned, “Fuck me, do you think he can tell?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” Mick grumbled, “All I care about is that you sort this shit out soon so I don’t waste my time on a band that will end up falling apart.”

“Sort it out how?”

“Again, I don’t care, just make sure it won’t be a problem.” With that, Mick got in his car and drove off.

Nikki stared after the car, dumbfounded. How the fuck did Mick know, and more importantly, did Tommy know? He was suddenly nervous to go back inside and face Tommy, he felt so emotionally exposed. He thought about Mick’s demand that he “sort it out.” He couldn’t possibly tell Tommy because there was no way he would feel the same, and Nikki couldn’t risk losing him. Tommy had very quickly become his closest friend, and his partner in crime. Besides, even if Tommy did have feelings for him, Nikki knew he was too damaged for someone so shiny and bright, Nikki wouldn’t know how to make him happy. On the other hand, the last week spent almost constantly in Tommy’s company had made Nikki feel like his feelings were eating him alive. Every glance, goofy smile, and quiet moment that they shared had Nikki feeling like his heart was going to explode. In the end, he figured he’d rather drown in his own feelings than risk his friendship with Tommy, because Tommy had become everything to him.


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit shorter because it was really important to me that this part stands on its own because in my own life it would be such a big moment. Hope you like it :)

Tommy shot Nikki a mischievous grin as he pulled a mickey of rum off the liquor store shelf and stuck it into the front of his pants.

“You’re an idiot,” Nikki chuckled fondly, “Look how obvious it is.”

Tommy shook his head, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, that’s just my huge package.”

“It’s a rectangle!”

“Wow, I can’t believe you would judge my dick like this,” Tommy put a hand over his heart in mock hurt.

Nikki rolled his eyes, “You’re gonna get us caught, give it to me.”

Tommy pulled the mickey out and handed it over so that Nikki could slide it into his boot after he scanned the store to make sure the clerk was busy. 

“What would I do without you?” Tommy grinned.

“Today, you’d get caught stealing rum, but in general, you’d be completely lost.”

“Yeah, true,” Tommy said, a little more serious.

Nikki shoved another small bottle into his other boot and grabbed one more off the shelf, “Okay turn around, I’ll show you how to do this properly.” 

He complied immediately. Nikki pulled the hem of Tommy’s shirt up slightly and pulled the waistband of his pants out so he could trap the mickey against his back. When his fingers brushed lightly over Tommy’s skin, Nikki’s cheeks grew hot. His hands shook a bit, the moment between them was surprisingly intimate. He may have lingered a second longer than necessary before he pulled Tommy’s shirt back down to hang over the bottle, the closeness was intoxicating. 

When Tommy turned back around, the two of them were suddenly standing very close together. There was a moment of heated eye contact where neither of them breathed, and Nikki’s heart started to beat very quickly. Tommy didn’t break the gaze, but cracked a small, delicate smile, which was enough to shake Nikki from his stupor. He looked down to the floor and rubbed the back of his neck nervously, “We should probably go.”

Tommy flashed Nikki a thumbs up and together they walked calmly out of the store. Once they got down the street a bit, Tommy let out a loud celebratory whoop, “That was awesome!”

Nikki was a little surprised, “You’ve done that before haven’t you?”

“Only the time I stole from Greg,” He looked a little sheepish at that, which Nikki took as proof that he was definitely corrupting Tommy.

“God, you’re so innocent,” Nikki chuckled, “I’m a terrible influence on you.”

“Not that innocent,” Tommy wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“I really-”

He was cut off by a dreadfully familiar voice asking, “Nikki?”

Nikki looked away from Tommy, and felt his entire body go cold when he saw Jordan standing in front of him. He stopped in his tracks, hand shooting out instinctively to grab Tommy’s arm to stop him from walking any closer. Panic overtook him as Jordan walked towards him, arms outstretched. 

“It’s so great to see you, it’s been years,” Jordan’s words reached Nikki’s ears slowly and thickly, like they were submerged in water.

Nikki snapped back into his body when Jordan was suddenly right in front of him, “Don’t fuckin’ touch me.”

Jordan backed up a step and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Oh... sorry,” In an attempt to ease the tension he turned to Tommy and stuck his hand out, “I’m Jordan.”

Tommy looked from Nikki to Jordan’s outstretched hand and shook his head, “Look, I don’t know who you are dude, but I think you need to fuck off.”

“What? I was just trying to be nice,” Jordan sounded taken aback, “And I don’t think it’s up to you to tell me to fuck off.”

Nikki couldn’t speak, it was like he’d forgotten how. Tommy seemed to sense this, and stepped in front of Nikki protectively, “I’m not gonna tell you again, walk away or I’m going to knock your fuckin’ teeth out.” Tommy’s voice was a low growl and his broad shoulders were tense.

Jordan shook his head and walked away, disappearing quickly down the street.

Nikki was frozen in place, watching Jordan’s retreating back. When Jordan turned the corner, Nikki let out a ragged breath, and his eyes filled with tears.

He jumped at Tommy’s hand on his arm, but didn’t pull away. “Come on Nik, let’s go home.”

Home. The word echoed in Nikki’s head. He hadn’t had a real home in years, but Tommy had become his home. With that realization, he knew it was time to stop hiding his trauma from the person he trusted most in the world.

“I-I have to tell you something when we get home,” Nikki wiped at his eyes to stop the tears from falling, but to no avail.

“Okay, Nik” Tommy spoke softly and kept his hand on Nikki’s arm, leading him towards home.

As they walked, Nikki’s legs grew weak. Every instinct he had was telling him not to tell Tommy what Jordan had done to him, he’d never told anyone or even said the words out loud. He was terrified of how Tommy might react. Nikki had spent months trying to stop blaming himself for what happened, but what if Tommy thought it was Nikki’s fault? What if Tommy was mad at him for it? His heart was pounding and he shook from head to toe as they walked together in silence. Nikki felt like he might pass out as he tried to prepare himself for the conversation, and the possibility that he might lose Tommy. He wondered vaguely if he would survive it, losing Tommy seemed like far too much for his shattered heart to handle.

They got home far too soon for Nikki’s liking, and he followed as Tommy silently led them to his bedroom, clearly understanding the privacy Nikki was about to need. Nikki sat on the edge of Tommy’s bed, staring intently at the floor and trying to stop himself from trembling. Tommy sat down next to him, leaving some space between them. He didn’t say anything, he waited for Nikki to speak first.

Nikki was grateful because it took him a couple of minutes to work up the nerve to start talking. He tried twice to speak, but felt the words die in his throat. He wasn’t strong enough, he thought, he wasn’t brave enough to do this. He broke his intent gaze at the floor to look at Tommy, desperate for some comfort. Tommy’s eyes were brimming with concern and he gave Nikki a reassuring half smile. Nikki felt suddenly braver looking at Tommy, his Tommy, who made him feel safer than he’d ever felt before. 

“That was-” Nikki only got two words out before the words caught in his throat again and tears began to fall. He paused for a minute and forced himself to breathe so that he could try again.

“That was my ex-boyfriend, Jordan,” Nikki sniffled and paused, feeling like he was crumpling in on himself as his shoulders slumped and his arms wrapped around his middle protectively. He looked back at the floor, knowing he didn’t want to watch Tommy’s reaction when he finally said it.

“While we were together, Jordan raped me.”

As soon as the words left his lips he began to sob. He rocked in his seat and his shoulders racked with his cries and gasps for breath. He just barely heard Tommy inhale in shock, but Nikki couldn’t speak or look at him, he was too afraid of what he would see.

“Nikki...” Tommy’s words were gentle, spoken with more care than Nikki had never heard in his voice, “I’m so fucking sorry.”

Nikki sniffled wetly, and turned to look at Tommy. Tommy’s face was clearly stricken, his brows were pinched in worry and he reached out to grasp Nikki’s hand tightly, like he was trying to tether Nikki to the moment. Relief filled Nikki, Tommy wasn’t recoiling, wasn’t disgusted with him, and wasn’t blaming him. With Tommy’s hand squeezing his, Nikki felt safe enough and brave enough to go on.

“It was the second time in my life that I died,” Nikki told Tommy everything, once he started talking, the words didn’t stop. He told Tommy about being drunk and waking up in Jordan’s arms. He told Tommy about feeling shattered, and breaking down on the bathroom door. He sobbed uncontrollably as he haltingly told Tommy about dying in the silence when Jordan pushed into him. He explained how the pain was far too much to handle and how he repressed it until he couldn’t anymore.

Tommy listened carefully and stayed quiet, letting Nikki share as much as he was comfortable with, and as much as he needed to. Nikki fell silent when he was done recounting his story and lowered his gaze to the floor, stunned that he’d just shared everything so readily. The silence was broken by a sniffle from Tommy, and Nikki looked up to see that Tommy was crying with him. Nikki felt an overwhelming wave of emotion, of love for Tommy, and of gratitude. No one had ever cared about him as much as Tommy did in that moment, Nikki had never felt so safe in his life.

“Can I... Can I hold you?” Tommy asked.

Nikki nodded and folded himself into Tommy’s side, legs swung across Tommy’s and face buried into his neck. Tommy’s arms were tight around him and he broke down sobbing once more, it felt like Tommy was trying to hold his broken pieces together.

They sat like that for a few minutes, Nikki half in Tommy’s lap and crying into his neck, soaking his t-shirt where Nikki had it fisted in his hands.

“I’m sorry T,” He whispered into Tommy’s neck.

Nikki felt him shake his head. “Don’t be sorry, I’m so glad you feel like you can trust me with this,” Tommy’s voice was thick with emotion, “I wish I could take some of this pain from you.”

“I can’t thank you enough for being here for me,” Nikki breathed.

“I’ve got you,” Tommy whispered back, “I’ll always be here for you.”

Nikki closed his eyes, tears falling more slowly now. He and Tommy lapsed into silence and didn’t move, suddenly completely exhausted. 

The next thing Nikki knew, the sun was shining through Tommy’s window. Nikki blinked his eyes open groggily, taking in his surroundings. He was tangled in Tommy’s arms, face against the younger man’s chest. He felt strangely light. He was in Tommy’s arms, finally, and Tommy knew his secret, he didn’t have to hide it anymore. A small smile played at his lips, he felt so incredibly accepted. Sure, Tommy had comforted him and been there for him as a friend, and they’d accidentally fallen asleep in each other’s arms, but only as friends. And while Nikki wanted more than friendship, that moment wrapped in Tommy’s arms with the sun shining through the window and feeling lighter than he ever had, was perfect. If that was as much of Tommy as Nikki was ever able to have, he’d be okay with it, because it was the most meaningful moment of his life. 

Far too soon, Tommy was groaning and opening his eyes, ending Nikki’s peaceful moment. Tommy looked down to where he was holding Nikki, and mumbled a small, “M’sorry” and shifted away from him a little awkwardly. 

Nikki shook his head, already sorely missing Tommy’s embrace, “It’s okay... It was really nice actually.”

Tommy smiled sleepily, “I haven’t slept that well in a long time. How are you feeling?” His question carried a lot of weight, it wasn’t superficial.

“Better,” Nikki said honestly, “So much better.”

Tommy grinned, a big, eye crinkling smile. 

“Tom, can we stay here a bit longer?” The vulnerability of the question didn’t scare Nikki, much to his surprise, but he knew it was because he had a newly developed a sense of intimacy with Tommy.

Tommy nodded, “As long as you want.”

Nikki gave him a small smile, he wished he could wrap himself back in Tommy’s arms, but was ultimately happy just being near him. He figured that’s what happens when you’re in love with someone.


	5. Part 5

The third time the band met to practice, they were even better than the last. The four of them clicked perfectly, despite a wide range of personalities between them. Afterwards, Vince and Tommy left to steal some more liquor for them to celebrate with, leaving Mick and Nikki behind.

Almost as soon as the front door shut, Mick was rounding on Nikki. “Okay kid, let’s hear it.”

“Hear what?” Nikki was learning that Mick was very cryptic. 

“Your plan to make sure your feelings for Tommy aren’t going to fuck up the good thing we have going here.”

Nikki shook his head, “I don’t need a plan, it’s not going to be a problem.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Mick snapped, “Look at you, you’re a mess. You’ve got lovesick written all over you and you get this weird dopey smile every time you look at him. He’s going to notice eventually and it’s going to cause problems unless you get ahead of it.”

Lovesick was definitely a good way to describe it, Nikki thought to himself, trying to hide it was getting more and more difficult. When he’d woken up in Tommy’s bed that wonderful morning, he’d thought that those moments would be enough, and for a short amount of time, they were. He’d felt calm and happy, like he could just enjoy every minute with Tommy, until a few days later. It was like the serenity of the morning they spent together wore off. Nikki felt like a man dying of thirst who’d been given a teaspoon of water, it wasn’t enough to quench the thirst, it only reminded him what he was missing.

“What do you want me to do Mick? I can’t tell him, and I can’t make the feelings go away.”

“You have to tell him,” Mick said simply.

“I can’t. He’s my best friend and I can’t lose him.”

“If he’s really your best friend, you won’t lose him. He’s going to figure it out sooner or later, and wouldn’t you rather control how he finds out? I honestly don’t know how he hasn’t noticed yet, he must be really dense.”

It all sounded so simple when Mick said it like that. If Nikki was truly doing a bad job hiding his feelings, Nikki might as well just tell him, because he was running the risk of losing Tommy either way. At that point, Nikki wasn’t sure he could carry on hiding it anyways.

Nikki didn’t have time to respond to Mick, because the door swung open to reveal Tommy and Vince, looking forlorn. “We got caught,” Tommy was almost comically sad.

“You got us caught,” Vince corrected, “I told you not to stick the bottle in the crotch of your pants.”

Nikki smiled fondly, “I thought I taught you better than that.”

Tommy pouted, “I wanted to prove that no one would ask about a rectangle dick.”

“You’re an idiot,” Mick stood up stiffly, “I’m out.”

“Me too Mickey,” Vince smirked, “I’m going to my girlfriend’s place.”

The door swung shut behind them, leaving Tommy and Nikki alone together. Nikki shot Tommy a mischievous grin and reached deep into the couch cushions, where he’d hidden his last bottle of Jack. Tommy laughed and bounced over to where Nikki sat on the couch and flopped down against his side, unscrewing the bottle and taking a big gulp. Nikki felt that stupid, dopey grin spread across his face. 

“You’re the only one that’s nice to me,” Tommy pouted, passing Nikki the bottle.

Nikki immediately reached up to tug childishly on Tommy’s hair, “I already told you, I’m not nice.”

He was completely unprepared for Tommy to fucking moan when Nikki pulled his hair. Nikki’s brain went fuzzy and he dropped his hold on Tommy’s hair, his eyes widened in shock. After a second, Tommy seemed to realize what he’d done, his cheeks turned pink and he groaned in embarrassment.

Nikki dumbfounded, and a little aroused, “I’m sorry?” His apology came out as a question.

“No, I’m sorry. Hair pulling is a kink for me,” Tommy was decidedly not looking at Nikki.

Nikki took a big swig of Jack, “Don’t be embarrassed, everyone has their kinks.”

Knowing this could be delicate territory for Nikki, Tommy sounded cautious when he spoke next. “What are yours?”

Nikki thought for a moment. “I don’t know anymore. I thought I just liked rough and painful, but now I think I was just doing that because I thought I deserved it. I guess the next time I have sex with someone, I just want it to be less volatile.”

Tommy nodded against Nikki’s side. “You deserve to feel loved.” 

The sentence was simple but still made Nikki’s heart explode. “Thanks T.”

Tommy took the bottle back from Nikki, “Okay enough of the sappy stuff and me embarrassing myself, let’s get drunk.”

Nikki grinned and watched Tommy start to chug, he was getting really good at it, and Nikki was proud of his boy. He tried not to think about the sound of Tommy’s moan a few minutes earlier, and he especially tried not to think about the fact that it was the hottest thing he’d ever heard. He tried not to picture what sex with Tommy would be like, and he definitely wasn’t imagining all the ways Tommy would pleasure him and make him feel loved at the same time. As they passed the bottle back and forth, talking and laughing, Nikki was struggling to distract himself from imagining Tommy hovering over him, kissing him adoringly, and waiting for Nikki’s nod of permission before making sweet, passionate love to him.

/////

It was Motley Crue’s first night performing at the Whiskey, and Nikki was on top of the world. He felt like they’d made it, as a band and as individuals, they’d finally found their success. The show hit a snag at the beginning when an audience member caused a minor scrap, but by the time it was finished, the audience was chanting “Crue” over and over, and Nikki knew they’d made it, and it was only up from there.

They tore off the stage after their last song, all of them buzzing off adrenaline. Mick and Vince disappeared quickly in search of liquor, leaving Tommy and Nikki alone backstage.

“We fucking did it!” Tommy was bouncing up and down, a big wild smile across his face. “We made it, we did it!”

Nikki couldn’t contain himself either, and let out a loud whoop, “That was fucking incredible!”

Tommy grabbed Nikki around the waist, picking him up in a bear hug. Nikki laughed joyfully and when Tommy put him down, he acted without thinking. He threw himself at Tommy, arms around his neck and pressed their lips together in a fervent, passionate kiss. Although caught by surprise, Tommy kissed him back almost immediately, wrapping his arms around Nikki and pulling him impossibly closer. Time stopped around them and Nikki deepened the kiss, parting his lips like he was breathing Tommy in and never wanted to resurface. Eventually, they pulled away from each other, foreheads resting together and breathing heavily.

“Tommy,” Nikki breathed, eyes already filling with overwhelmed tears, “I’m in love with you. I’m sorry if that makes things weird between us and I’m sorry if this makes you hate me, but I’m in love with you.”

Tommy shook his head gently, “Nik, I could never hate you. You’re my best friend... and I love you too.”

A relieved cry tore from Nikki’s throat before he connected their lips once again. Tommy kissed him softly but desperately, like there was no way he could get close enough to Nikki, but dammit he was going to try. When they parted once more, Nikki began to laugh, eyes crinkling and heart open. 

Tommy smiled fondly and kissed his forehead, “Come on, we should go celebrate with Vince and Mick.”

Nikki nodded, and felt his heart flutter when Tommy held his hand as they walked into the crowded bar together. After a while of drinking and dancing, Nikki went to sit next to Mick at the bar.

“You were right Mickey,” Nikki clapped him on the shoulder.

“Yeah I know,” Mick grumbled, “I knew he liked you too that’s why I told you to tell him.”

Nikki started to laugh, “What are you a psychic?”

“Just an alien,” Mick said seriously. 

Nikki gave Mick a quick, tight hug, much to Mick’s chagrin. “Thanks old man.”

“Fuck off,” Mick said kindly, a twinkle in his eyes.

Nikki let him go and wandered into the crowd to find Tommy. Together they drank and danced, completely carefree.

Nikki didn’t remember going home, but when he woke up the next morning in Tommy’s bed, he wasn’t worried; he was fully clothed and koalaed around Tommy. He felt warm and happy, and was unable to stop himself from peppering kisses along Tommy’s jaw. Tommy stirred and opened his eyes, a big smile across his face when he felt Nikki around him. 

“Morning T-Bone,” Nikki murmured against Tommy’s jaw.

“Are you sure this isn’t just a really, really amazing dream?” Tommy’s voice was deeper than usual, he was groggy with sleep.

Nikki just smiled and leaned his head against Tommy’s. He was unbelievably happy, albeit terrified. Of course the fear was there, it likely always would be, but with his Tommy by his side, he felt like it was no longer urgent. He felt like he could deal with the fear as it came, it was no longer a crushing force, because Tommy loved him back and that was all that mattered.

They basked in each other’s company, a comfortable quiet between them. Nikki thought about Tommy, about himself, and about how they would move forward together. Nikki knew he was damaged, and the worry that he would bring Tommy down was at the forefront of his mind. He knew he couldn’t let that happen, he had to find some way to be okay with himself, it wasn’t going to be Tommy’s job to fix him. He thought about the things he was still struggling with, namely, that he still felt afraid to let people know him, and that he still didn’t feel at home in his own body. He knew letting people in was going to be a matter of practice, and vowed that he’d begin with his band mates. While he wanted to keep his trauma private, he promised himself that he’d try to be more open when they were together. Feeling at home in his body was a whole other beast. He knew that when Tommy wanted to start getting physical, he was going to have to take it slow. More importantly than that, Nikki was going to have to get comfortable with himself first.

He glanced over at Tommy, noticing that he’d fallen asleep again. Nikki smiled indulgently, Tommy was so beautiful. He untangled himself from Tommy’s arms, careful not to wake him, and walked to the bathroom. He closed and locked the door behind him and stared into his reflection in the cracked full length mirror that usually sat behind the door. For a long time he’d struggled with getting undressed, with being naked, even when he was alone. It had slowly gotten easier as time passed, showering no longer felt stressful, and he didn’t have to concentrate on staying calm when he changed clothes. However, Nikki still struggled to feel at home in his body, it felt like it was no longer his, like he didn’t have control over it. 

He stared his reflection in the eyes and slowly and deliberately pulled off his t-shirt. He continued to look at his reflection’s eyes until he felt like he could continue. He dropped his gaze to his bare torso, and ran his right hand carefully and purposefully down his left arm, taking note of how his skin felt underneath his own fingers. He switched to the other arm, doing the same thing and reminding himself that he was in control, and that it was his body. He took in the appearance of his chest, and ran a curious hand over his collar bones. He trailed soft fingertips down to his pecs, down his sides, and over his stomach. He hesitated for a moment, then unbuttoned his pants and kicked him off. He looked down at his bare legs, and wiggled his toes, his body, he was in control. He knew what he had to do next, but felt incredibly uncomfortable. He squeezed his eyes closed and pulled off his boxers. He stood there for a moment, eyes shut and feeling nervous and exposed. When he felt like he was brave enough, he opened his eyes to stare at his reflection; his body, he was in control. He ran his fingers over his hips, slowly down his thighs and back up and across his lower back, noting how when he touched his lower back just above his bum, he shuddered from a muscle memory that he wished he could forget. He kept his fingers on that area, rubbing light circles on his skin to remind himself once more that he was in control, that the touch he felt there could be gentle and kind. Tears pricked at his eyes and he started to get choked up. It was time to stop for the moment.

He slowly and deliberately dressed, and managed to keep himself from outright crying. He wandered back into Tommy’s room and laid down next to him.

“Nik?” Tommy was barely awake, “Are you okay?”

Nikki rolled closer to him and settled wrapped around his side. “Yeah T, I’m good.”

Tommy grunted quietly and was back to sleep in seconds. 

Nikki placed a gentle kiss on Tommy’s cheek. He knew he had a lot of work to do, trying to rebuild himself, but he finally felt like he was up to the task. His time getting reacquainted with his body hadn’t solved his problem, but it was progress. It was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally arrived! The slow burn is done! That being said, the story is not yet over :)


	6. Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovering sexually can be an important part of the healing process.

The path to recovery is not linear. Nikki knew that, and yet he still felt incredible amounts of guilt when things were hard and Tommy had to deal with him. Some days, getting out of bed felt like a monumental task. Tommy never left him alone on those days, they would lay together in silence curled around each other until Nikki felt ready to get up, sometimes hours later. Nikki would feel an intense guilt, like he was dragging Tommy down with him. At one point, Nikki tearfully confessed to Tommy that he was afraid of making the light in his eyes grow dull, and Tommy spent a full hour telling Nikki why that wouldn’t happen and reciting all the things that he loved about him.

With love like that, Nikki found he had more good days than bad. On the good days, he spent time in the washroom every morning, staring at his body in the full length mirror, almost like a meditative ritual. It was helping, Nikki thought, it made him feel less alien in his own body. He slept most nights in Tommy’s bed, except for once in a while when he felt like he needed space and time alone he would sleep on the couch. Tommy never minded, although he did make sure Nikki knew he would be sorely missed on those nights. 

Nikki was so grateful for Tommy, so head over heels in love with him. Tommy was patient and gentle with him, and was always understanding when Nikki needed more or (usually) less space. Nikki wanted to be everything that Tommy needed as well, so he quickly developed a habit of indulging nearly all of Tommy’s whims. That’s how Nikki found himself walking into the living room with the music pounding and strangers crawling through the window in search of a party. 

The house was packed, and Nikki had some difficulty weaving through the crowd. He spotted a short man with a mess of black hair and went to him immediately.

“Mickey!” Nikki was genuinely happy to see him. The two of them had been getting closer over the last few weeks, as Nikki tried hard not to shut down when his bandmates were around. 

“Music’s shit,” Mick grumbled, “I hate Kiss.”

Nikki just laughed, “Whatever man, I’m surprised you even showed.”

Mick shrugged, “Had to get away from the old ball and chain.”

Nikki frowned, he’d heard some stories about Mick’s girlfriend, and it was clear to him that Mick was being abused. From experience, he knew that getting out of an abusive relationship isn’t something that can happen before the person is ready, but he knew how much easier it would have been for him if he’d had somewhere else to go.

“Mick, I’ve been in shitty relationships myself so it’s easy for me to recognize other people’s shitty relationships,” Nikki said seriously, “When you’re ready to get out, you can always come crash here... Such as it is.”

Mick nodded, his expression softening momentarily, “Thanks, Nikki.”

“If you want to talk about it ever, you know where to find me,” Nikki smiled and clapped Mick on the shoulder, causing him to grunt.

“Yeah, attached to the drummer’s face.”

Nikki laughed, “Love you too, old man.”

Mick wandered off in search of booze, and Nikki figured it had been too long since he kissed Tommy.

At that moment, Nikki’s eyes locked on Tommy, who looked like he was having an angry exchange with a random guy. Nikki walked closer and could hear the guy saying something about Tommy looking like an ugly girl.

“Whatever dude, even ugly girls wouldn’t fuck you,” Nikki could hear Tommy’s words as he got closer.

The next few moments felt like they were in slow motion. Nikki had just about made it to Tommy when he turned around to grab a beer off the table behind him. Nikki watched as the stranger balled up his fist and drew it back, about to hit Tommy while his back was turned. Nikki acted instinctually, the rage that had been latent in him since falling in love suddenly rose to the surface. He took a couple of jogging steps to get to the guy and smashed his fist into the side of his head before he could hit Tommy. The guy dropped immediately, unconscious, and Nikki stood over him, hands trembling with anger. Distantly, Nikki was proud of himself, months before he would have jumped on top of the guy and pounded his face in, but now he was able to stop himself. 

Tommy whipped around, shock written over his face.

“He was going to hit you,” Nikki was breathing heavily, blood coursing through his veins. 

Tommy grinned at him and stepped over the guy, to wrap an arm around Nikki’s waist, “Thanks babe.”

Nikki, still riding an adrenaline high, pulled Tommy in for an earnest kiss. Tommy reciprocated the enthusiasm, nipping playfully at Nikki’s bottom lip.

Nikki pulled away, suddenly feeling braver than he had in weeks, “Let’s go to your room T.”

Tommy’s eyes widened and he nodded, silently tugging Nikki by the hand to his bedroom.

Nikki shut the door behind them and ushered Tommy to the bed, pushing him down on his back. Nikki crawled on top of him and connected their lips once more, this time with more heat. They hadn’t gone any further than that before, Nikki had stopped him after a couple of fiery kisses before because he didn’t feel ready. This time, he felt brave enough to keep it going. 

Tommy’s hands snaked around his waist as they continued to kiss passionately, both breathing heavily. Nikki reached up and tangled one of his hands in Tommy’s hair and began to tug on it gently. Tommy’s mouth dropped open into a breathy moan, and Nikki used that moment to lick seductively into his mouth. Tommy’s arms tightened around his back, and Nikki was proud of himself, he’d reduced the younger man to putty in his hands. 

Nikki broke their kiss and latched his lips to Tommy’s neck, biting and sucking to leave a mark. He could hear Tommy’s breathy, “Fuck,” which only spurred him on more. He could feel Tommy’s cock grow hard against his hip, and knowing how aroused Tommy was was enough to get Nikki hard as well. He shifted a bit to line up their erections and ground down experimentally.

Tommy gasped, his hands tightening on Nikki’s waist. Nikki connected their lips together and started to roll their hips together rhythmically. The friction was delicious, and had them both panting in seconds. Tommy never moved his hands from Nikki’s waist, using a gentle but firm touch to help Nikki grind on him. 

Nikki was a moaning, sweating mess, and the kissing subsided into Nikki burying his face in Tommy’s neck and sucking wet kisses into every inch of skin he could reach. 

All of a sudden, Nikki felt fear wash over him and intrusive thoughts filled his head. He froze on top of Tommy, unable to keep going.

“Nikki?” Tommy’s voice was deep with arousal, but more than anything, he sounded concerned.

Nikki’s voice shook and came out higher than he intended, “I-I need to stop T, I’m so sorry.”

Tommy carefully rolled Nikki onto the bed next to him and kissed his temple, “Don’t be sorry, that was fun.”

Nikki frowned, “You didn’t even finish.”

Tommy just shrugged, “I don't care about finishing, I just want you to feel safe.”

“Thanks T,” Nikki murmured, “I really did want to keep going, that was really hot.”

Tommy chuckled, “Yeah that was... Sinful.”

Nikki smiled, “We better get back to your party, T-Bone.”

/////

The next time was easier for Nikki. 

He woke up to Tommy kissing his cheek sweetly. The sun was shining in through the window, casting a warm glow over the room.

“Good morning,” Nikki rumbled. 

“Good morning,” Tommy nipped playfully at Nikki’s earlobe.

Nikki smiled lazily and turned his head to connect their lips in a hazy kiss. It was passionate but slow, neither of them felt urgency that morning. Nikki’s fingers tangled in Tommy’s messy morning hair and he scratched his nails lightly over the younger man’s scalp, eliciting a shudder.

Tommy pulled Nikki in closer, lying on their sides their bodies were flush against each other. Nikki hitched his leg over Tommy’s hip instinctually, and the feeling of Tommy everywhere on his body made his dick grow hard in his pants.

He knew what he wanted this time, how to keep it going longer. He knew that his biggest problem was his own pleasure, and feeling open enough to allow someone else’s hands on him. With that in mind, he wanted to explore Tommy that particular morning. 

Nikki grabbed Tommy’s shirt by the hem, and with a little assistance, pulled it off. He latched his lips to Tommy’s collar bones, tantalizingly smooth and unmarked. Nikki made short work of them, sucking a purple hickey onto the soft skin. He could feel Tommy’s cock harden as he did so. Before he could think too much about it, Nikki ran his fingers down Tommy’s bare torso and over the waistband of his pajama pants, so he could feel Tommy’s hardness against his palm. 

Tommy’s breath hitched as Nikki rubbed his hand over Tommy’s cock, stroking him through the fabric of his pants. This was it, Nikki felt comfortable because he was completely in control. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Tommy, but easing into sexual activity for the first time was much easier when he was focused on the love of his life, and specifically making him weak in the knees. 

Nikki pulled his hand away from Tommy’s and used his fingernails to scratch lightly at Tommy’s hips, dipping teasingly below his waistband. He could see Tommy’ twitch in anticipation and decided to indulge him, dipping his hand under the pants and wrapping his adept fingers around Tommy’s huge cock.

Tommy was a writhing, whimpering mess as Nikki jerked him off quickly. Nikki felt Tommy’s mouth drop open against his own lips as he used his other hand to cup Tommy’s balls, massaging them gently. He picked up the pace with the hand that was stroking Tommy, and connected his mouth to Tommy’s earlobe, sucking it into his mouth.

“Oh f-fuck Nik,” Tommy gasped, “I’m close.”

Nikki felt so powerful, so brave, he absolutely growled in Tommy’s ear, “I wanna see you cum for me.”

That was all Tommy needed, the novelty of Nikki saying just one simple, dirty thing to him sent him over the edge. Nikki stroked Tommy through his orgasm, cum painting the inside of his pants and spilling over Nikki’s hand as Tommy let out a debauched cry of Nikki’s name.

Tommy breathed heavily as he came down, and Nikki pulled his hand away to wipe it in on a towel next to the bed. 

“Holy fuck,” Tommy breathed, “That was a fantastic start to the day.”

Nikki grinned, proud he’d finally felt ready to get more physically intimate with Tommy, and that Tommy had seemed to enjoy it so much.

Tommy gestured down to where Nikki’s pants were still tented, “Can I?”

Nikki shook his head, “No, thank you, but I don't think I’m there yet.”

“Okay Nik,” Tommy kissed him sweetly, “No rush, we don’t have to do anything until you’re ready.”

Nikki knew that Tommy would wait patiently for him to be ready, and he would never put any pressure on him. He wasn’t quite there yet, but he knew he would be soon. It would take a few days of working up the nerve. Amusingly, he knew he’d have to schedule it with Tommy so that he could spend some time getting used to the idea. That wasn’t exactly the most romantic notion, but it wouldn’t matter, because he knew when he was ready to have sex with Tommy, it wouldn’t be fucking, it would be making love, and that was one of the reasons he felt like he was almost ready for it. He’d never felt so safe with anyone in his life, and he’d never been loved this wholly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go (I think) before I wrap this piece up. I just want to say thank you to those who are here, still reading it and showing me the love :) I hope I've been able to satisfy all your broken Nikki needs


	7. Part 7

It was pitch black in Tommy’s room when Nikki woke to a knock on the front door.

He rolled out of bed and wandered down the hall, rubbing at his eyes tiredly and wondering vaguely what time it was. He flicked on the lights and swung the door open and blinked when he saw Mick standing there, hat pulled low over his face.

“Mick?” Nikki asked, suddenly more awake.

“Can I stay here?” Mick asked, words trembling.

Nikki nodded and moved back so the guitarist could enter the room. Nikki couldn’t stifle his gasp when the light washed over Mick’s face, the hat was not quite low enough to hide the black eye that Mick was sporting.

“Oh Mick,” Nikki breathed, sadness making his chest tight. He reached out and placed a caring hand on Mick’s shoulder and used his other one to carefully take off his hat. Mick’s forehead also had a dark purple bruise above his eyebrow and disappearing into his hairline.

“Did she do this to you?”

Mick’s silent nod had Nikki pulling the smaller man into his arms, the first real affection the two had shared. Nikki could feel Mick tense, and then relax and drop his head onto Nikki’s shoulder, sniffling.

Nikki guided Mick gently to the couch and wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulder, which Mick leaned into. Nikki sat silently with him, running a soothing hand up and down his arm and thinking back to when he arrived at the door, needing a place to call home. He remembered how miserable he was, and how Tommy took him in without question. 

“I’m glad you came Mickey,” Nikki whispered, “You’re not alone.”

Mick stayed silent, but turned his face against Nikki’s shoulder, tears immediately soaking the fabric there.

Footsteps slapped against the floor behind them and Nikki could tell it was Vince.

“Who was it Nikki?” Vince asked tiredly. His question was answered as he walked around the couch and took in the state of his guitarist. 

“Oh shit,” Vince muttered, “Mick, you look like hell.”

Mick nodded and said thickly, “Feel like it too.”

Vince sat down on Mick’s other side, and in an uncharacteristic display of humanity, grabbed onto Mick’s hand and squeezed. 

All the love from his bandmates was clearly overwhelming Mick, and he let out an involuntary, choked sob. Nikki’s heart broke for him, he knew exactly the kind of hurt Mick was feeling, and he’d do anything to help his friend get through it. He resolved to spend more time with Mick, to get to know him better, in hopes that Nikki could help him feel less alone.

“I’m sorry that I’m crashing here,” Mick whispered to Vince.

Vince just chuckled, “Mick don't be sorry. In case you haven’t noticed, Tommy likes to take in strays.” He jabbed a thumb in Nikki’s direction and smiled softly at him.

“Nik, come back to bed,” Tommy’s voice called out from their bedroom, he clearly didn’t know that Mick was there.

Before Nikki could tell Tommy that he’d come back later, Mick mumbled, “You can go, I’ll be fine.”

“Mick...” Nikki didn’t want to leave his friend.

“It’s okay Nikki,” Vince read his mind, “He won’t be alone.”

Nikki nodded but was still unconvinced, he wasn’t sure Vince was kind enough to be there for Mick.

“Nikki seriously,” Vince insisted, “He can even come sleep in my bed so that he’s not alone all night.”

Nikki had never seen this side of Vince, and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, nodding again.

Vince stood and pulled Mick up with him, “Come on old man.”

“If you need anything just come get me okay?” Nikki offered.

“Thanks Nikki.”

Vince and Mick wandered down the hall and Nikki was reassured when he heard Vince say, “We can cuddle as long as you promise not to put the moves on me.”

He heard a quiet chuckle from Mick, “In your dreams, singer.”

Nikki felt a bit better after that, and made his way back to bed where Tommy had fallen back to sleep waiting for him.

/////

The night had arrived. He and Tommy had discussed it four days previous, but that didn’t mean Nikki was any less nervous. That night, they were planning on making love for the first time.

Nikki knew he was ready, but he also knew that Tommy would forgive him if he backed out at any point. That specific notion and understanding between them, is how Nikki felt safe and ready to take that step, to do what he hadn’t for a long time. He and Tommy had spoken at length about what Nikki would need and what was likely to set him off, and Tommy listened without judgement, entirely eager to learn.

Nikki picked at a hangnail nervously while he sat on the couch. Tommy had kicked him out of their room 10 minutes beforehand so he could do what he referred to as “prep work” which he refused to elaborate on. He was thankful Vince and Mick were out, he didn’t want them to see what a nervous wreck he was while waiting for Tommy.

A pair of arms wrapped around his shoulders and he smelled the familiar pine and cigarette scent that calmed him down immediately. Tommy placed a gentle kiss on Nikki’s cheek.

“Come see it,” Tommy couldn’t keep the excitement out of his voice.

Nikki took a deep breath and followed Tommy to their room. When he opened the door, he inhaled softly.

The room was bathed in a soft, orange glow radiating from string lights that Tommy had hung on the walls. The room was unusually clean, and the bedding looked freshly washed. What really took Nikki’s breath away were the roses scattered around the room, and the polaroids of Tommy and Nikki that were laying on the bed. Silently, Nikki crossed the room to pick them up. The first photo was from the night of their first show, they were both dressed in their obscene show clothes and Nikki was teasing Tommy’s hair and staring down at him with a dopey, fond expression while Tommy smiled like an idiot. The second picture was taken a few days after they got together, Nikki was smiling so big that his eyes were almost shut, and Tommy was kissing his cheek.

“I... It’s so cheesy,” Tommy broke the silence, “But I wanted it to feel special and romantic, and I need you to see how much I love you.”

Nikki turned to face him, tears in his eyes. “It’s perfect, I love it. I love you.”

Tommy practically beamed, “I love you too.”

Nikki beckoned for Tommy to come closer, and pulled him into a slow, gentle kiss.

Tommy’s hands settled on Nikki’s waist, and he guided them carefully backwards. Nikki let Tommy lay him down on his back and reconnected their lips. It wasn’t desperate, it wasn’t urgent, it was just the two of them, frozen in time and breathing each other in.

Nikki tugged at the hem of Tommy’s shirt, prompting him to sit up and pull it off. Nikki followed suit with his own shirt, desiring the intimacy of skin on skin. Tommy felt warm against Nikki’s torso as he settled back down on top of him, and Nikki’s eyes fluttered shut in pleasure as Tommy peppered sweet kisses onto his neck. Nikki’s hands roamed over Tommy’s back, exploring every dip and curve with curiosity. His grasp dropped down to Tommy’s bum and guided him to push their hips together, eliciting a soft inhale from both of them.

Nikki felt them both grow hard in their jeans as Tommy rolled against him, creating sweet friction. Tommy reconnected their lips once more for lingering kisses, groaning quietly when Nikki sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. 

He gripped Tommy’s hips to still them momentarily, and pulled open the button and fly of Tommy’s jeans so that he could push them down to his thighs. Tommy pulled them off the rest of the way, and hovered his hands above the button of Nikki’s pants, looking up for permission.

Nikki gave him a half smile and a nod, but couldn’t help the slight spike in his nerves. Tommy leaned down and pressed light kisses to Nikki’s chest and stomach as he pulled off Nikki’s pants, which was a welcome distraction. Nikki giggled involuntarily as Tommy kissed a particularly ticklish spot, resulting in Tommy snapping his head up to meet Nikki’s eyes with a dazzling grin.

“God you’re adorable,” Tommy groaned.

Heat rushed into Nikki’s cheeks, “M’not.”

Tommy crawled back up to him and kissed his red cheeks. His lips brushed up against Nikki’s ear and he whispered, “Can I touch you?”

“Yeah,” Nikki breathed.

Tommy connected their lips once more and Nikki felt his soft fingertips trace gentle lines along the waistband of his boxers. Nikki tensed for a moment and then relaxed. Tommy seemed to feel this, and dipped his hand under Nikki’s boxers and wrapped his fingers carefully around his cock, stroking it slowly. 

Nikki’s eyes rolled back in pleasure and he moaned against Tommy’s lips. Tommy’s hand moved languidly over him and Nikki’s toes curled with aching desire.

“T, I’m ready,” Nikki breathed, when Tommy rested their foreheads together, “Will you open me up?”

Tommy nodded and procured a bottle of lube that was stashed under the pillows. He moved down the bed and pulled off his boxers, and with another nod of permission from Nikki, pulled off his as well. Nikki watched as Tommy coated three fingers with lube, and his insides twisted nervously once more. 

“Okay babe?” Tommy murmured.

Nikki nodded, and felt Tommy’s index finger rub careful circles over his hole, and then push inside him slowly. Nikki gasped at the sensation, flames of arousal licking at his lower belly. Tommy began to thrust the finger in and out, adding a second when Nikki relaxed enough. Nikki was clutching at Tommy’s shoulders, quivering with pleasure. Tommy added a third finger, working Nikki open while kissing lazily along his jaw.

“Are you ready for me, Nik?” Tommy’s question was quiet and full of love.

Nikki met Tommy’s eyes and paused for a moment. He knew Tommy wouldn’t mind if he said no, which was comforting and gave Nikki the confidence to whisper a quiet “Yes.”

Nikki watched as Tommy spread lube over his cock, eyes shutting momentarily as he stroked himself. Tommy leaned forward and lined up at Nikki’s entrance. He paused there and seemed to notice the subtle shaking of Nikki’s hands. Nikki flashed him a nervous but excited smile, and felt reassured when Tommy captured one of his hands and interlaced their fingers.

“Are you sure?” Tommy breathed.

Nikki nodded, he was scared but determined to take this next step with the man he loved.

Tommy moved forward, pushing very slowly into Nikki.

There was no silence. As soon as Tommy was buried inside of him, he was whispering in Nikki’s ear, “I love you, Nik.”

“I love you too, T,” Nikki whispered back. He felt a slight burning as Tommy stretched him out, but it quickly subsided into pleasure.

Tommy didn’t move immediately, waiting for Nikki to relax and encouraging him with quiet reminders to breathe and gentle kisses to his cheek.

“Is this okay?” Tommy pulled back to meet Nikki’s eyes, assessing them for any sign of discomfort.

Nikki moaned in response and placed a hand on Tommy’s hips, encouraging him to start thrusting. Tommy’s breath hitched as he began to push in and out of Nikki, his pace slow to start out with. Nikki couldn’t help but clench slightly around Tommy’s cock, eliciting a breathy exhale of Nikki’s name.

With Nikki’s encouragement, Tommy picked up speed but was still careful to be gentle. Nikki pulled him down into passion filled kisses, the fingers of his free tugging at Tommy’s soft hair very softly.

Nikki’s legs wrapped around Tommy’s hips, pulling him deeper inside and making Nikki writhe in bliss.

“You feel so good,” Tommy moaned against him. He shifted slightly, changing the angle of his thrusts. 

Nikki saw stars explode behind his eyes as Tommy pushed against his prostate with each thrust, and he couldn’t stifle his loud outcry of pleasure. Heat curled low in his belly and his back arched involuntarily.

“T, I’m close,” Nikki moaned, nearing the edge.

“Me too,” Tommy squeezed his hand and picked up his pace slightly, thrusting faster and more sloppy as he approached his climax.

Nikki teetered on the edge, but when he felt Tommy’s cock brush his prostate one more time, his orgasm ripped through him. He let out a broken cry of Tommy’s name as he came, shockwaves of pleasure washing over him.

As Nikki’s orgasm caused him to clench around Tommy’s cock, it sent him over the edge as well, thrusting frantically into Nikki and moaning loudly as he filled Nikki up.

They came down together, breathing heavily and connecting their lips in lazy kisses. 

Tommy slipped out of him carefully and collapsed on the bed next to him, eyes wide with concern. 

“How did that feel?”

Nikki smiled, heart warm at just how hard Tommy worked to make sure he was comfortable. “Really, really incredible.” 

Tommy looked relieved and seemed to relax a little more. He began to play with Nikki’s fingers, and his eyes fluttered shut, looking completely content.

“T?” Nikki broke the silence.

“Mhm?” 

“When did you know that you love me?” Nikki’s question was quiet, somehow still shy and vulnerable.

Tommy opened his eyes and smiled bashfully, “Remember when I got drunk at work and you walked me home?”

Nikki nodded.

“I asked you to tuck me into bed, and you laughed... It was the first time I ever really saw you smile. That’s when I knew.”

“I’m surprised you remember that,” Nikki grinned, “You were wasted.”

“Yeah, but it was really memorable,” Tommy explained, “It reminded me of the first light after a storm... There was so much hope and innocence in it.”

“It felt that way too,” Nikki murmured, “You made me feel like things didn’t have to be so hard. I was so broken and angry all the time, and then I met you with your big, easy smile and your bright eyes and it felt like waking up out of a coma.”

Tommy’s eyes crinkled and he pulled Nikki even closer.

“It’s like life was beige before you,” Nikki breathed, “You showed me how to see the colours.”

“You already knew how, Nik,” Tommy sounded sleepy, like he was about to drift off, “You’d just forgotten.”

Nikki smiled and kissed Tommy’s hand, lapsing into quietness to let Tommy fall asleep.

Tommy was right, Nikki did have it in him to see colour again on his own, but Tommy had made it a thousand times easier. Tommy had helped him trust again and reminded him what it felt like to be loved. Nikki knew he would have good days and bad days, and he would continue to make sure that it wasn’t Tommy’s job to fix him. Tommy gave him a reason to do better, to be better. All the pain, the anger, and the suffering, it felt worthwhile because it led Nikki to the one person who made him feel alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the most difficult chapter for me to write, believe it or not. Thank you a thousand times to everyone who is reading this, it was really therapeutic (although difficult at times) to share my story through the eyes of someone that I love and to know that I had a few amazing people along for the ride with me. This is the end of Jaded but you haven't seen the last of me, I've had ideas brewing since I started this one but I wanted to give it my full attention so I waited until it was finished to start other ones. Thanks again, talk soon :)


End file.
